untitled


My dreams are like silent fire raging
raging the way I wish I cd scream
scream the way I was told was told was wrong
for a nice girl like me
to bear animal teeth glistening
fists clenched so tight
half moons in my palms
stinging pain
burning
silent
fire
raging

This girl was not permitted to shout
dressed like a dolly in ruffles instead
with shiny shiny mary janes
sat with knees together
hands folded together in prayer
behaved and well groomed
but with dreams so real
I cd almost taste the skin
of faceless lovers
coming to me in the dark
boy girl woman man wolf animal angel
no faces no names
I was jus a little girl
told it was bad to dream such dreams
stomach so heavy with guilt
not understanding
I had discovered another universe
more beautiful than this one here

I think abott this in church
as my hands are joined
with many many others
reciting the our father together
I think about holding my manís naked body instead
think about how smooth how warm
think about how sexy his tattoo makes him
think about him so deep inside that I think Iím gonna scream
think about how that is prayer
think about that when I feel weak

I never want to die of a broken heart
shattered by fear not enough loving
fire dying from bone chillin cold
I refuse to die of a broken heart
the way so many sistahs and mothers
so many sistahs and mothers quietly slip away
knees together tightly
hands folded in god fearing prayer
so many sistahs and mothers
who never knew how to shout
let our hair grow wild
like rivers and overgrown forests
lush and tangled and fragrant
let the sun color our skin
the color of earth and sand and fertile soil
dream of lovers and goddesses and sorcerers
run and run and run and run
so fast we can feel the earth move

I will not die of a broken heart
broken by some one elseís strange culture
placing a dollar amount on this sacred brown body
though I wonder who would save me
if I were alone in the dark
in any city in the world
surrounded by sinners murderers rapists
those who engage in conquest of flesh
I wonder if I wd remember how to pray
and cast out their demons

I refuse to die of a broken heart
my heart has already been broken
more times than I can even count
broken by somebodyís words
or spit in my face
by somebody walking away turning away
forgetting I am yr sistah
forgetting I am a woman
fearful of the divine
self hating
and dangerous

I will not die of a broken heart
because someone who loves me
is calling me home

--Barbara J. Pulmano Reyes

"untitled"
Rec. 5/14/97 in a room under construction, brkly...1245.

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